jonestown Labor and delivery room, I was never easy, that’s what they said When the ache of my voice rings clear through anyone’s normal head You were unaware on my temporal lobe seizing in mid-morning class We didn’t talk as much then, unless you were in bed Then you left again for the second time And I want to have some sense of normalcy Where I can pose like the influencers I see on the daily Where the world could see I’m not crazy Where he stayed with me and I wasn’t different than them Where he’d hold me and ward off the demons in my head These lives I’ve shaped are empty of me Your mother checks my Facebook and she smiles And I lie to myself that I fucking hate you But I’d kill myself if it meant I could speak again And you glued me shut whenever those 8 months come up I’m the reason you’re never seen downtown But I visited our favorite spot Where we kissed and lied about our future plans I needed you, you needed me, I was crazy The world was empty after 10 o’clock You came and laughed at my mediocre jokes You hated me when I started to crave the end of life You knew about my hallucinating eyes Praying at the altar of some sulci god to make it all stop The bottles, whatever color, always make it worse You were the only one I wasn’t scared to hurt And I wish I was 11 years old, fallen in love You said I was beautiful with my overbite and brown curls And I hated every inch of my brunette body God, I hope you’re okay in the streets of Pittsburgh And I’ll thrive without you, swear to god, promise I feel so alone, I feel more than I should And I’m worlds above you emotionally I’m allergic to the thought of you But you’ll be on my mind when I walk the aisle